"God has reminded me through this Little Angel"

July 13, 2009

I arrived Friday morning to find Dar much the same as she has been since arriving at Caremeridian. Very quiet, not much personality and just not up to the standard she had been at Kentfield.

We talked and chatted but she just was not her usual self. The fact of the matter was that I was beginning to suspect that she might have had some sort of relapse. Maybe something had happened and we missed it, maybe there had been some sort of a seizure or something. I have to admit I was starting to get scared.

We went outside for a bit and as the sun got a little to warm for her we retreated back to the front room of the facility. Dar would participate but was making no effort to mouth words, say I love you or do the things that she used to do before.

About noonish we went back outside to a shaded area of the porch. Amy our speech therapist came out to work with Dar but before we started she and I had a private conversation about my concerns. Amy agreed that my concerns might be well founded but that we would need to look into a few things. Things like meds, Dar’s dosage of Zoloft and things of that nature. She agreed that the staff had not seen the Dar that they had heard so much about.

Well, therapy needed to continue so Amy went about her business. Dar participated as much as she was able but lacked the drive that we were looking for. Amy asked Dar if she would like some ice cream and Dar responded with less than a cheerful yes. Dar took a couple of small bites and we watched her swallowing and it was good. Amy asked Dar if she would like to suck on a lemon swab. Dar replied with a reluctant yes. When Amy gave Dar the swab Dar sucked on it like a lollipop. Amy tried to take it away after a bit but Dar would not let her have it. Dar never bit the stick but would suck on it so hard that Amy accused her of “being on strike”.

Folks I have to tell you when Amy said that Dar burst out laughing. Laughed so hard and continued to laugh for quite awhile. Amy and I decided to run with the concept of being on strike, we asked Dar some questions that led us to find out what Dar’s problem has been since she arrived at Caremeridian.

We surmise that Dar is so acutely aware of her surroundings, so aware of what has happened, so aware that I am not there as much as she thinks I should be that she has taken control of those things in her life that she knows she can.

“ I am not going to talk, and you can’t make me”, “I am not going to answer your questions, and you can’t make me”, “ I am not going to laugh just because you ask me to and you can’t make me”, and “no, I am not going to open my mouth for your ice cream, (even if it is my favorite) and you can’t make me”.

So much of Dar’s life is controlled by others, told when she has therapy, told when to get back in bed, when to talk, when to answer questions, so on and so on.

But what I am guilty of is probably the worst. I have neglected to be honest and forthright with Dar. I escape back to the house when she is asleep because I don’t want to upset her, I don’t talk about our future because I think it might be too much for her to handle, I don’t say goodbye to her when I leave because it might make her cry.

Folks I have to say, my petite little wife of 103 pounds but me in my place. She has made it perfectly clear that I had among other things better be honest with her. I had better make phone calls on a daily basis if I am going to be gone very long between visits. I had better make a better effort to include her on the things that are happening at home and probably the most important thing I learned is that I had better make it very darn clear that when the time is right, Dar is going nowhere else other than home. I mean very darn clear.

I am amazed at the fortitude of these patients and their ability to be “aware” of their surroundings. Although they might not be able to express what they feel, they can and do process all that is going on around them and have emotions and feelings just as you and I do.

My wife is so incredible, even in her current situation she “demands” to be heard, “demands” the truth, expects respect, honor and truthfulness. Darlene I am so sorry for hurting you, so sorry for falling short, so sorry that I did not put you first.

Dar has been trying to communicate to us in the only way she knows. Take control of those things she can until someone figures it out. Then, being the “little angel” she is she lets us know that it is all ok by laughing. This is an incredible lady again thinking of others needs before her own, setting all emotions at ease with a big smile and a big laugh. All is forgiven, all is good again and I (she) am happy again. Wow, if only I could have her spirit.

So, this began a weekend of encouragement, honesty and forgiveness. Not only did those things happen, but also would you believe, Dar called the “strike” off.

Dar so returned to her “perky self” it was incredible. I n fact Dar’s whole attitude has done a complete 360-degree turn. I have spoken to her daily by phone since Sunday, and have promised her we will speak daily.

On Saturday I was certified in wheelchair to vehicle transfers. Dennis, physical therapist and I took Dar to the parking lot and I put Dar in his mini-van in both the front and rear seats. Dar was ecstatic, she did not want to get out, in fact she wanted to hear some tunes and go for a ride. How cool is that. It was decided that her little Ford Contour, which is what I have taken to driving to see her in would be a little too low for safe transfers. Our little Chevy S-10 that I drive back and forth to work would probably be okay but is not as comfortable as our Duramax. So, this week I will take it down and we will transfer Dar to the big truck and guess what, an order will be written that if Dar and I are accompanied by Dennis we can go on a road trip, a truck ride to town, and then who knows, a stroll about town in her wheelchair. She is stoked.

When we went back inside and my training continued, I have begun learning what Jamie and I will need to know about giving Dar her meds when she comes home. This little adventure again brought smiles and laughter to Dar because I have been titled as Dr. Danny, complete with white jacket and stethoscope. You would not believe the joy this brought Dar to again be assured that she would be coming home and not some “care facility” when the time is right. It will and is an awesome undertaking but I know in my heart of heart it is the correct and only thing for Dar when that time comes.

A special “barium swallow” test is going to be scheduled very soon for Dar. This is a test that will give imaging to her swallowing capabilities. Dar needs to participate in this test so it will be scheduled for when I too can be there to assist her. This test is to determine if we can start moving toward a regular diet .

Also at this time I will spend the night in the hospital attending to Dar’s needs. Meds and all, just like I will when she comes home.

I am still so amazed at how far Dar has come and can continue to come, and she has taught me so much in these last several months. She is such an amazing person.

I learned on Friday that after I left Dennis had a heart to heart with Dar. The jest of their talk was this. Dennis acknowledged that he could not imagine how Dar feels or what she might be thinking. He asked her if she felt like in her mind that her life was over. The floodgates opened and the tears ran and ran, but after a moment Dennis was able to tell Dar that yes, things are different but she can still have a full life. She has a husband that loves and believes in her, a family that loves and supports her and most of all she is making great progress. Dennis tells me that he felt like that at that moment he and Dar made a connection, they made a bond, and from what I hear of their time spent together today, they did.

Dennis tells me that Dar was fabulous today in therapy, Amy tells me that Dar was “on her game” in speech, Julie, the Activities Director said Dar was fantastic, when I spoke with Dar on the phone she was upbeat, happy, full of laughter, excited to hear of the progress on the shower, looking forward to going for a ride in the truck.

Tammy, Ryne’s mom said that Dar was as named “the little princess” all day, looked fabulous, participated in all the activities in the day room and was a completely different person than that of 3 days ago.

I guess in my efforts to protect and safeguard Dar I forgot who the ultimate protector is. She is in the best hands there is; she has the best doctor in the world, the best medicine one could ask for, His Name: Jesus.

I am so thankful for what God has done for Dar, what He will continue to do, and the stars that Dar can grab. Thank you Father.

Darlene, thank you for reminding me of what we began even before we were married, we were friends first, always honest, always able to talk and above all “always respectful of one another”, I love you,

Danny

Ps, Dar’s “make over” fund is growing; again as I know not who you are, thank you for your “gifts”, we truly appreciate your giving. I will be sure to let you all know how the first shower feels. God bless each of you.

Dar/Dan

Post update July 14,

0315 hours

Now is the perfect time to go see Dar, she would benefit so much, as would you, her friends. please go see her.